Beloit

It was her brother's sweatshirt really, but she had given it to me. It had been hers for a while, and I must have said something, and then she gifted it. It was blue with gold lettering. But not a crass kind of gold. A soft gold, some subtle, but there. Outlined in white.

It didn't really fit then, and it sure didn't now. Still, it felt good to have it on. Even though we hadn't spoken in years, probably never would again. There was something comforting about finding it buried underneath all those old clothes. Like I hadn't really thrown her away as much as I thought I did. As much as I meant to at the time.

I put my hands in the front pocket, the kind that covers your belly. There must be a word for that kind of pocket. Maybe there isn't. Anyway, I put my hands inside it, and that's when I felt it. The crinkle of notebook paper. I took it out. No name, to or from. Just a heart.

I didn't know, she hadn't told me, she had just given the thing to me. We had gone through the usual exchange, the giving back of stuff, and I had given it back to her clean. She insisted that I take it. I said no, it didn't feel right. She said she had given it to me, it was mine now, and I said OK. And somehow she must've slipped it in. That was the only time. Wasn't it? How did she know I would have the sweatshirt with me? Would she have given me the note anyway? Had she been in my apartment since then? Let herself with the key, gone through my clothes, left this here for me to find? When was I supposed to find it? It had been years.

I didn't open it. I couldn't. What if it were important, a desperate vow of love that melted the stone I keep locked in my ribcage. What if it were trivial. Or cold. Or hateful, spiteful, filled with so much rage that it ruined even the happiest of memories I still had somewhere. What if it were blank.

I'm not sure holding on to the sweatshirt is a good idea. I still haven't figured that out. But until I do I'll keep it there, amongst the sweaters, gathering too much dust. But, really, it's a small thing. It doesn't take up too much space to hold on to it. And if anybody sees it, if anybody asks, I have a cousin I rarely see, and he goes to Beloit.