The Sinner

I stopped talking only long enough for her to get those few simple words in. But those. They were were the ones I wasn't expecting, words that do so much. She just got them in.

"Where have you been going every Monday night?"

Steady stream of a day's events had not deterred her mind from its goal. It was going to find. Find out what I'm doing, these things that I have done. And then. MY hand went tight against my chest. I continued as if the words hadn't phased me. This wasn't a two-way conversation. Did somebody say something? I didn't feel anything. Then.

"Didn't you hear me?"

All too well.

"I asked where it is you've been going every Monday night."

Silence is the worst thing in the world. To me. It cannot be measured up to by any means by any thing. Nothing can come close to its unease, its uncomfortable setting in the pit of your stomach. I could feel it with my hand. My hand against my chest, revealing nothing. I wouldn't let her see. The room grows colder with each moment. I might pass out.

"I haven't been going anywhere."

Lies are easier than the truth. The truth takes too long to think about. You have to remember the truth. But a lie. A lie can flow freely from your mouth like cool running water. Nothing to remember. Nothing ever happened.

"You haven't been going anywhere."

I could feel the feeling in my stomach. Silence. Eyes attaching themselves to me, stripping the layers away. Away to the inside where some story could be found. An explanation. Anything, it didn't matter what. Somewhere. Nothing ever happened.

"I haven't been going anywhere."

The cold was reaching inside my coat, through the layers. It was the only thing that could get to me tonight. The only thing that could get past the lies. I won't let. I won't let. It's so cold. It grew inside. It was throbbing inside me, but I never moved it. I never faltered. I couldn't tell her what had happened to me. To them. She wouldn't understand. What had happened to me. She began to move around the room. She floated.

"There's something you're not telling me. What aren't you telling me?"

She was moving around so much. I wondered why she was moving around so much. It's so cold. I don't remember taking off my coat.

"Nothing. Why are you moving around so much?"

Everything was so confusing.

"I'm not moving."

Eyes squinted to try and make out the objects on the table. A glass. Newspaper. Bowl of oranges we had just bought just the other day just together. And out. And then. I fell from my chair, my hands were trying so hard not to show her. I am not going to show the weakness, not for anyone, not tonight, only the cold will win. Only the cold. It was all I could feel.

"And you're not getting away without telling me where you've been going!"

Eyes tried again to focus on objects in the room. I could not look at her any longer. Mirror. Clock on the wall. My chair, sideways, fallen on the floor. A knife.

"Answer me!"

Coldness was too much for me. She would not win. Only the cold would win tonight. And after this there will be no more struggles. And I let my hands fall to the floor. And the cold encloses my body. And nobody would ever know of the horrible things I have done. Please forgive me for my sins. I never meant to hurt. Anybody. Please.