In a Name

Candice often picked at her name. Candice. Can. Dice. Can Candice dice? was a question one might ask. What is it to dice? another might say. Throw dice? Gamble? Can Candice gamble? Can Candice dance? Can Candice can-can? Can Can can-can? This would go on sometimes. Children notice things, and their minds make connections.

Candice was named after her grandmother, although that was not entirely true. Grandmother was a -dace, no -dice. And Candice would ask her mother why she named her -dice and she would respond oh, I just like it better that way. But she felt there was something more behind it. No. There was something else.

But she liked it, Candice, not Candace, something different, something else. She liked being connected, she liked being unique. Separate and together in her own little way. And when she used to lament the spelling her grandmother would stop her. "Don't ever be ashamed of your name. It's beautiful, just like you. It's your own! You have one spelling and I have the other. So each of us is special, and we'll always be reminded of the other one." She would smile her wonderful, soft, wise smile. And when her grandmother passed away it hurt more than if their names had been spelled the same. Now one was gone, one entire half. And she was left all alone.

She thought she saw her mother smile at the funeral. She looked at the name in the leaflet and thought of her own. She realized now that her mother never really spoke of her grandmother, and that when she was playing with -dace her mother was nowhere to be found. Candice thought about her name, and what was going through her mother's mind when she gave it to her. She will be different. She will be better. And you will always be reminded. A half-tribute, a slap in the face.

Candice, twelve years old and dressed in black, ran up to her grandmother's casket, past the arms of her mother, the arms that were trying to stop her, and cried. She was sad and happy at the same time. Sad to lose her grandmother, one of her best friends. Happy that, although her mother had hatched an evil plot, it had failed spectacularly.